eYe thirst fOr watEr

     Though I was unable to branch out and converse with someone today, I did perform a good deed which I think will open up a door into this mans life. For those who read this and work with me, you may have seen a homeless black man near Brokaw and N. First street always holding a sign asking for help. Everyday I see this man, I ignore him, just like so many other people going about their daily lives. Scared to even make eye contact with him, I avert my gaze to my stereo, the hair on my arms, I even just stare at the streetlight waiting for it to turn green so I can not have to feel guilty for not even looking at him.  I have a car, music, a monster and a lunch, while they have too many clothes on in the heat and a cardboard cutout with permanent marker advertising their despair. Well, he is a homeless man so he probably made the wrong decisions in life.....fact or fiction? I sure as hell don't know, and neither do you. Maybe, given the opportunity, he would mug me. Please don't come to my window, I left it down and I feel so much closer to him, he can hear me, but I cannot roll it up cause that would be effed up. Coming close to this man is an everyday occurrence, yet I try to barricade myself from his presence for.....well.....my own insecurities.
     Why can I not bring myself to roll that window up when he, or others, are near? Why am I afraid of what they will think of me for acting as such? It should be them that feel worried about what I think seeing them without anything good going for them. Avoiding eye contact at all cost, keeping my dark shades on and my face straight... for what? What do I have to lose? Nothing, yet it is I who is afraid to even be visually Aware of his existence. This man, this son to a father and a mother, gets ignored by me everyday. Eyes, the gateways to souls, are very deadly weapons. My eyes are fragile and afraid, unable to put myself in a situation where I will feel discomfort, pain, guilt and any kind of judgment. His eyes, always seeing people with more than him, must be eyes of torment and sadness, and I am scared to look.
     Today before work, I made a nutella and jelly sandwich, and put it in a paper lunch sack with a water, string cheese and chewy granola bar, put this bag in my front seat, and headed to work. With my lunch chillin in the back of my car, I got off the highway and looked at this other lunch, hoping to see this man off the side of the road. I have brought sandwiches before, but fate have it those days, my kindness was not well met because he was not present. Today, he was there, holding his sign, wearing pants and a sweater midday, standing in the sun on dirt and weeds. When I stop at the light, I summon him over. "I made you lunch," I tell him. I cannot remember if I made eye contact, I was just overcome with joy for making this man a meal. He said something to me, it did not sound like a thank you, and kept walking past my car and held his sign up. What he said, no matter what it was, I accept as a thank you. He did not stick around and chat, which surprised me at first until put myself in his shoes. Accept the gift, than leave the giver alone because they probably want to be left alone. In fact, as he walked away, I was grateful he did.
     What followed brought everything to a fine point. He took out the water, 16oz of pure kirkland goodness, and downed it in one, long swig. This man was THIRSTY!!! Come on Joe, why would this surprise you? Its hot, he is wearing too much clothes, he is standing on the side of the road with dirt getting kicked up every time a car passes by, and he is thirsty? I looked around my car for more water....none. I failed, I did not bring him enough water. This guilt I was trying to avoid came rushing towards me, the light turned green, and off I go. Still, I am watching him in my mirror, he does not watch me go, does not even turn around. He took his lunch, drank his water, and moved on.
     This man may hold the key to humility. I, we, us, them, her and him, take things for granted. Work hard, get results, live happy......for what? Fight for yourself, don't let anything stand in the way of you and your goals, your happiness. Battle worn, I have been fighting to make something for me and my family, I want the good life. I seek this happiness. I avoid the darkness, the darkness that hides within me and you, for my own selfish end. Be afraid of what you might find in there, look into their eyes, they are human too.